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Feeling Guilty For Our Son After Emergency Hysterectomy – Amanda’s Story

I’m 27 years old, been with my husband for almost 11 years, married 2 1/2 years. My waters broke 4 weeks early with our first child,while I was walking in the hallway of our house. We rushed to the hospital, obviously found out we were in labor! We were soooo excited! Well after a slow start, then 20 hours later pushing for 3 hours, then they decided to do a c-section. After a few minutest short of 24 hours!

We had our son, they wheeled me back into the room, then pumped my stomach and blood was gushing out. The nurse yelled for the doctor, a whole team came rushing in. Then I saw my doctor talking to my husband and he starts balling, crying. I just knew I was going to die. I asked the nurses, doctors, my husband and they all said no I wasn’t, but I knew it was a lie.

They were wheeling me back and had my parents there telling me how much they loved me. I found out later I had a team of 12 working on me, and I just remember everyone I saw was either crying or had tears in their eyes. I begged them not to switch the oxygen to gas, because I knew I wasn’t coming back. I was expected not to live. Then I woke up to see my husband and felt such shock and relief. Then the doctor decided to tell me after having my first child, to save my life they had to do a hysterectomy.

I was upset, but didn’t fully understand the impact. The doctor was crying and I told her I knew she only did it because she had to. In total I had to receive 9 liters of blood, 2 platelets, and a few other things I can’t even remember. They stuck me all over my body to do the blood transfusions, luckily was able to stick me in my neck. I was so swollen they couldn’t get to any veins. I had a central port in my neck

I don’t remember the first 3 days of his life, I was in the hospital for a week. I was able to hold him on his 4th day, and feed him on the 5th. All of our closest family got to hold him before i did.

When I got home I had to deal with my incision being infected , and then internal infections. My mom took off of work and stayed with us the first 5 wks. I took off work 12 weeks. And I am so so sad. I wanted to have at least 2 kids. I know I’m lucky to have one child, I know this. But it still doesn’t stop the pain I feel. I didn’t want to hold my son when we got home because I felt so guilty. And now to top it off, I’m having tons of drama with my mother in law. She wanted to visit all the time and I was ignoring everyone because I was so depressed. And she just doesn’t care, so it’s caused horrible fights between my husband and I.

He’s not a hateful person, but has been so hateful to me during my darkest time. I’ve been so depressed, and he cares , but not like he should. He’s so hateful towards me, i don’t know if I can forgive him. I forgave him the first time he was just nasty and hateful, and then more bs with his mom started and he was hateful again. I wasn’t the nicest person, but I’m going through A LOT. It is literally a miracle I’m alive. I feel as if he wasn’t there when I’ve been so depressed, when I needed him. I don’t know how to forgive that. I just feel that they think I should be over what happened, when I’ve only just begun to really realize it.

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in my own words book coverNow available on our online store and all other online book store’s. In My Own Words: Women’s Experience of Hysterectomy is full of many other real-life stories from women the world over.

Other people’s stories help women feel less isolated. They show that they aren’t going mad, missing the point or stupid.

Linda Parkinson-Hardman

Transformational counsellor, coach and women's health advocate. Professionally I'm an information scientist who specialises in change management, culture change and adoption of digital technologies in large enterprises and organisations. I am a writer and author of nine books to date, and I've edited a further seven; phew what a lot for a Thursday afternoon :-)

This Post Has 5 Comments
  1. Hi my name is also Amanda and I have been through a similar experience. I was 35 when I had my first son , I had an emergency operation to stop a PPH and like you could no longer have any more children. It’s a horrendous shock and bitter sweet but I adore my son he is my world. I was in ITU and made a gradual recovery but when he was 2 I found it the hardest my friends were all expecting second babies and I couldn’t do that ,I even grieved to have a period again it was very lonely.
    So I decided not having a womb would not stop me and I adopted perfect 18 month old girl who is now 4. It is different to giving birth but special for all sorts of different reasons, maybe it’s fate but I feel better now and hope you can find a way to feel well again and find a way come to terms with such a shocking experience. It’s very hard to do as I still feel upset about it sometimes good luck X

  2. Your story is so similar to mine…I too am dealing with having a little one and being great fun but always wanted two or three children and I feel sadness every day but also massive feelings of love towards my daughter! I’ too am 29 so still relatively young for a hysterectomy but glad I have found this site and read some of the stories…. Everything you have said I can totally relate to!!
    Xxx

  3. I cannot and will not for one minute begin to step in your shoes and understand the pain you are going through. I work in a role that lends itself to lots and lots of training to begin to understand the problems and issues that may cross my path.
    To begin to address some of what you are going through….you are 27… An age many of us had choices on how many, if any children we may have wished or chosen, desired to have. You have had the choice cruelly taken away!!
    You have also had your life put at risk. Again ….no one, but no one truly understands this, unless you have stared this in the face,
    Those around you…naively believe they understand?!? No way!!!!
    I can only suggest that if you care for those and love those challenging your thoughts, the where you have been in your darkest hour…hold on for as long as you can until you all have time to understand and come to terms with what has happened.
    It’s a very, very stressful time for you all in very different and challenging ways…..
    I wish you well in your journey…and a healing, thoughtful recovery.

  4. I have never posted on this website before,usually just reading through and getting advice and help from the other kind ladies,but feel so moved I just have to..Firstly my dear lady,congratulations on your little son and God has clearly been with you to save you and your sons lives.

    I have not had the same experience re emergency hysterectomy but have had 2 emergency sections which saved both myself and my son and then daughters lives,as well as nearly loosing my life to Meningits in 2008 and I do know that for loved ones looking on and feeling so very helpless that this is as traumatic for them.My husband simply could not take any illness( hence we are now separated) and eventually became downright abusive,But I look back and think that because all the attention was focused on me(Menigitis)) and me and the babies,my husband had no outlet for his feelings and became almost jealous of me and the kids?It may not make sense but this is apparently very common.

    Can I suggest that once you are feeling recovered from this horrific ordeal-Do you need antidepressants to help you through?- that you ask for some husband/wife counselling.I do not know where you are in the world but in the UK there are many avenue s of counselling that you can explore.Please do not let what is indeed a happy experience,tear you and your family apart.Yes,your husband and mother in law should be supporting youwhen you are so ill and with a new baby and you also need to be strong enough to deal with life.It certainly sounds like you are both experiencing post natal depression and also recovering from the huge impact of hysterectomy which can have a horrid effect as you are grieving for the loss of future babies.

    My heart goes out to you and I hope this is of some help.Perhaps others who have been in the same situation can reach out to you as it always helps to speak with people who have experienced similar?

    Sending you a big hug and welcome to your baby son.

  5. Hi Amanda – its no wonder you have such a mixture of emotions after such a dramatic time. Sometimes we can get really tied up in all that, regret, grief, anger, resentment all not very nice to feel but its totally normal for you to experience all that.
    My only thoughts about going through something so intense is that it is important to focus on the Now. From my own experiences I have found that going over all the old stuff doesnt help me in any way. Even when I feel I have been treated badly and want someone to apologise. The past has happened and it cant be changed, but you can change the way you deal with today. So focussing on the fact you have a beautiful perfect child and you are here to see him grow up and enjoy everything with him. Thats amazing!
    Sometimes when people are hateful towards us its more about them not being able to deal with their own emotions, like sadness and fear. Its important for you to deal with your own emotions and not try to fix or help anyone else or feel you are responsible for how anyone else feels. Everyone is responsible for how they feel and react to a situation. Your husband will have to learn to deal with his own emotions by perhaps seeking outside help or counselling. You have to gently make it clear that it is not fair for him to burden you with any of his ‘stuff’. Keep yourself focussed on all the good things that are happening right now and the good things to come because that will help you stay more positive. Take care x

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