So, I have the two appointments I’ve been waiting for, and I’m still waiting to hear about the blood results – on that score, no news should be good news – in my head at least.
I have a bronchoscopy on 4th July at 8.15am to take a look down my nose, throat and trachea into the larger brachia of the lungs. I fully expect to be told that I was wasting their time and to go away – nicely of course.
The breast surgery team – which seems like quite an assumption to me – will see me on the 19th July; so much for the two weeks ‘urgent’ appointment.
I found it fascinating though that as soon as the appointments had been set much of my worry melted away, I was now in safe hands and whatever turns out to be the problem, it will now be sorted out.
That’s not to say I’ll hand my body over to the medics, no siree! I’m doing my part too. Becoming vegan was an easy move, it was a bit like my brain switched off the desire to eat meat or animal products; I could almost believe that it had been waiting for something like this to come along to get my inner house in order. I’m also taking a teaspoon of turmeric every morning in a glass of water. Yuck! I can hear you saying it now, and I won’t lie to you – it is pretty disgusting, but if you drink it through a straw it bypasses most of your taste buds so you only get an after glow.
I also started getting the most horrendous hot flushes, it was quite a shock, after all I haven’t been taking HRT for the last 7 years and assumed that was all behind me. Then it dawned on me that I’d been taking in environmental oestrogens through the meat, cheese and eggs I’d consumed. No wonder coming off those produced a backlash from my body. It didn’t help that it’s also been some of the hottest days of the year so far. I am hoping that as my body adjusts to the new diet this will be a transient thing, although I must say it might have been easier had this happened in the winter as I wouldn’t need to fill my hot water bottle or have the heating on!
As well as the diet, I’ve found some mantra’s, they are more like prayers though that recognise and give thanks for the amazing fact that my body is actually quite capable of healing itself if I only get out of its way. I’ve also started having a conversation with God too, giving thanks for the life I have. It’s at times like this that you really begin to appreciate just what is good about the life you live and start to recognise the part I’ve played in bringing it to this point.
Steve and I took the Beeble to Kingston Lacey for a walk today, a three mile stroll around the perimeter of the estate. It’s such a beautiful place with lots of different things to see that you can’t be bored by it. Coming out of the kitchen garden after a stop for coffee, I realised that this is my perfect Sunday; time with Stevie and Beeble, just chatting and holding hands; gentle walking taking in the fresh air, the plants and the trees and a sense of being at peace and at one with the world.
If these circumstances have brought me to a point where I just appreciate simple pleasures then perhaps that’s a benefit that is overlooked.
I also did some soul searching about what has driven this too and realised that not only do I feel guilty about my abortion, I feel a huge amount of guilt about the hysterectomy, because in my mind I didn’t need to have it. The tarot reader at the festival said that I was about to start a new opportunity and I’m wondering whether that is not about the new job I start tomorrow, but something to do with my health. The reason I wonder this is because she also said I’d had a chance to do it before, and if I didn’t do it now would have another chance in the future.
You may be wondering where I’m going with all this, but back when I had endometriosis I knew that healing that was within my own gift, that I didn’t need surgery or anything else, I simply needed to connect with an inner part of me and pay attention to what my body was telling me about my life at the time. Instead though, I chose to ignore it and follow the medical model, all the time knowing that I didn’t really need the hysterectomy. Boy did I get a lot of attention from being ill and being looked after though, I look back and see a very needy person wanting someone or something else to take control of her life and make it all work easily. In fact, I can see that as I look back at other parts of my life too; it was almost as if I wanted a white knight on a charger to come along and rescue me because I didn’t want to take responsibility.
Because I didn’t do it then, I’m getting a chance to take full responsibility now; and if I ignore this chance then maybe it will give me another more intense chance later on – I’m going with now as I reckon this is my best bet!.
More to come later ..
(image courtesy : Dark Souls 1 @ pixabay)