Letting my dreams of having children go – Miriam’s story

In less than three weeks, I will be going through rather an invasive surgery, as part of the choices I made in the past few years as it comes to my health. I am giving up on my dream of having children. Biologically that is. After last heartbreaking miscarriage in 2006, many fertility treatments, hopes and failures, I am finally letting it go. More accurately, I am letting my dreams of having children go.

I had known for a while that this day will come. As a helpless romantic and optimist, I confess that there always been a little light of hope that miracle might happen and I might be blessed with an opportunity to carry out the pregnancy and experience birth, joys of breastfeeding my child(ren).

Am I ready to let go? Sometimes I think I am, sometimes I think I am definitely not ready for that.

I know. Quite silly on my part. I had known for quite a while that probability of me conceiving, carrying and having a healthy baby is in a very low numbers (more like negative ones), but as my old friend once said, hope is the last one to die. Despite my knowing, there always was a little light of hope somewhere in the back of my mind and life. Oh, well. Time to grow up and accept the reality of who am I and my body limitations.

I might be a great godmother. I might be a great aunt or great grand aunt one day. I might be a great babysitter for my close friends and family children, but… I will always be the one ‘who had troubles having children on her own’ in whispers by people, friends and family around me. This whole situation makes me mad. Granted, no one does that on purpose, but at the end of the day, I am the one who didn’t produce any offspring.

Am I angry with myself, G-d, or crazy situation my body end up being in? That would really depend on the day. By sharing my thoughts and feelings today, I am making a choice of not being angry anymore.

I am just letting it go…

If one day I am blessed with an opportunity of joining folds of adoptive parenting, I would be eternally grateful for the challenge and opportunity. If it doesn’t pan out: I had my share of silly and wonderful kids growing up and forming into the wonderful almost adult beings during my teaching times.

I am still grateful. I truly am grateful. My choice today doesn’t mean that at times of my weakness or just a personal soul searching, that I couldn’t be found weeping somewhere in the dark corners of my soul about the losses I didn’t have or never got the opportunity to have.

One day I will be OK. One day I will get to enjoy (or regret) the challenges of sleepless, thankless bits of joy of the motherhood. 🙂 G-d willing. Today I am making a choice to live.

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in my own words book coverNow available on our online store and all other online book store’s. In My Own Words: Women’s Experience of Hysterectomy is full of many other real-life stories from women the world over.

Other people’s stories help women feel less isolated. They show that they aren’t going mad, missing the point or stupid.

4 comments

  1. I must tell you that after several years of infertility treatments, miscarriage and misery, I quit the medical track and came to adoption. I am sure at this point that my adopted daughter is the most amazing wonderful kid in the universe!! I really believe –this sounds insane–but I truly believe that she is better than any child I could have conceived. And this is not just a mom being blind to her kid, my daughter is 32 (I’m 72) and my husband and I couldn’t imagine a better person, daughter, or human being than she. I tell you to go ahead with adoption (and ours was international–Korean) as our story is not out of the ordinary for adoptions.

    Ps. I’m on your website as I’m facing a hysterectomy for precancerous endometriosis. Otherwise I would have never seen your story

  2. Reading your story struck a familiar chord in my heart. Somehow you have managed to articulate all those feelings and fears that I had before I had my hysterectomy two years ago. Most of the time I’m simply glad knowing I am healthy although occasionally- just very occasionally those pangs of regret seep in. I wish you all the best.

  3. Miriam, this is what I wrote before my Hysterectomy (due to endometriosis) after 2 failed IVF attempts and years of trying. I’m now 60 and still can’t read this without crying.

    My life has reached a standstill, while waiting for my ‘op’.
    I can’t move on, I can’t go back. I wish it all would stop.
    I’ve spent a lifetime hoping, for what can never be.
    But is a Hysterectomy the way ahead for me?
    It’s a major life decision, for which, I’m unprepared.
    Although my infertility can never be repaired.
    And still, I can not let go of that last small piece of hope.
    Will I always feel this way? I don’t know how I’ll cope.
    What’s more, I think of wasted years, when treatment came and went,
    With all it’s disappointments – A lifetime badly spent.
    So what am I supposed to do? Start my life anew?
    Or cling on fast to my last hope? Tell me, what would you do?
    If I stop and think of it, It makes me feel quite scared.
    I’ll never be somebody’s MUM. (My heart sinks at that word)
    ‘Cause it represents a timeless love, for all – or so it seems.
    And the only time I’ll be a mum will be inside my dreams.

  4. This has been -still is and I think always will be – the hardest thing for me to get my head around. Like Miriam I always had hope that I would one day get pregnant but years of trying and then a hysterectomy last Dec due to cancer & that hope got killed off.

    I try not to feel bitterness when everyone around me (or so it seems) falls pregnant with a twang of knicker elastic but sometimes it just creeps in. Right now I have two people I manage and my own line manager pregnant. Plus a friend who’s due any second now. I’m sure there’s more but I’ve blanked them for my own sanity. A friend of mine said recently ‘you ooze maternal instinct – it has to go somewhere’ shame I could cover myself in that ooze!!

    I’m a great ‘aunt’ to my friends kids & I try to enjoy the fact that when they can’t afford nice holidays, expensive nights out & their homes look like toy shops and sound like zoos, I can do as I please. But its second best, I always wanted to be a mum.

    Right now I can’t face the emotional turmoil adoption will bring. My heart and my sanity aren’t quite strong enough to allow a third party to deem me a suitable mother. I hope that comes in time. But reading these posts helps. It helps to know I’m not alone!

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